*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
You Might Also Like
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
And that about sums it up.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning