My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
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But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or