I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
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[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?