[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
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“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
j o i m p
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.