My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
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EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?