just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
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I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”