Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
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If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.