me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
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Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Wait a second…
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Venn
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.