When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
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I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.