Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
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[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Not today, today.
Not today.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.