Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
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who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
The booster protects against what, now?
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.