moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
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Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
My neck, my back, my…
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty