So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
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When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
that wasn’t the question
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times