In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
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What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Best seat on the street 😍
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.