You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
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ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
🖤✌🏽
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.