If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
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I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Banking tips
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom