And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
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Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.