[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
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I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.