I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
You Might Also Like
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
How all things should be taught/explained.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Hitlers gonna hitl
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out