6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
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Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Hey i am sexy to you now
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
#Caturday