Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
You Might Also Like
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Friends that check up on you >
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔