I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
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*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is