When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
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Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
12. I think about this all the damn time
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after