[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
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Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*