[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
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kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.