when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
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I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Happy Halloween 🎃
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
good morning
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.