[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
You Might Also Like
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”