[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
You Might Also Like
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.