Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
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It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.