Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
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In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
OKAY DAD
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
What?
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?