me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
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I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕