There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
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me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
🐕🍷
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Weirdos gonna weird.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?