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friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.