I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
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kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.