There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
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My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
What if all the cashiers are married?
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”