I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
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My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.