Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
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[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Growing up was a huge mistake
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank