It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
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In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.