9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
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T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.