[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
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At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.