HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
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me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!