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Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Still cracks me up
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
how to market bottled water to dads
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.