Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
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The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
good for her
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
That’s what I call a flat tire
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.