[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
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HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Woke up against my better judgement again
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix