My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
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I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
My inexpensive home security system…
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
#parenting
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question