Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
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The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
This checks out