If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
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I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Somebody call the cops.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good