Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
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“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house