Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
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It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
I laughed at this way too hard.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Fidel Castro was alive?
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.