Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
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I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Don’t snitch tag.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.